Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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