Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Randomize
