Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
