My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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