This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
