Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize