oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
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