I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
My ass is underappreciated
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
