he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
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I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
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Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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