i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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