My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
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