Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
