all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
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