Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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