If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Randomize
