I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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