I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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