Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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