and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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