Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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