??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
