he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
