I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
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stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
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Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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