I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
