The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Randomize
