It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
