Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
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Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
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I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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