Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
