just survived the first fart of the relationship.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
