Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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