I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
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