tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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