i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
