My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
