Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
