i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
