Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
