I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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