just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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