I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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