I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
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