I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
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Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
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She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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