it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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