I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
