she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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