you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
