Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
