Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Randomize
