I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
