I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
