Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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