That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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