The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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