Kiss
Puke
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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