I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
