i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Randomize
