I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
