you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
