You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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