nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
