"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
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