You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
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how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
