Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
