i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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