this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
